Hi.
It’s 2:45 AM and I can’t sleep.
My emotions have been at kind of a low ebb lately (yes, I know it is redundant… is it even possible to have a high ebb?). Summer time makes me feel lonely and, once I’m already vulnerable, all of my other concerns and neuroses can just dogpile on. It’s daffy.
The funny thing is that as much as I’m lonely – as much as it would be really nice to cuddle up to someone, to smell their hair and revel in the feeling of my bubble of personal space temporarily dissolving – I don’t even know if I want a relationship right now. I just don’t know if the (significant) risks and detriments are worth the time, effort and emotional commitment. Taking the last few weeks out of the equation, I tend to be a really happy person with very few needs that are not being met… I just don’t know how my life would have to change in order to admit a romantic relationship, and I must admit that I find the thought of that change somewhat daunting. How much of my happiness would I have to compromise? My cost/benefit analysis is proving impractical due to a dearth of data.
Regardless, the fact that I’m made of meat means that sometimes, even when I have rational objections and caveats, I’ll feel things anyway…. It is highly inconvenient. So, my current long-range emotional forecast includes loneliness and yearning, though I hope for some sunny periods as well.
Oh yeah: something for the personal improvement file. I’ve been making an excuse to walk around with out my shirt on as much as possible in the last couple of weeks. For those of you who don’t know, I have some fairly deep-seated body image issues, so this is kind of a big deal for me. Even though I know that I’ll never be a svelte fashion plate, as I have far more in common (morphologically speaking) with my confederates in the lumpenproletariat, I also know that I need to get over this shit. If people don’t want to look at me, that’s at least partially their problem. If I don’t learn to accept myself, there’s no good reason to assume that anyone else will.
Whee!
Edit (insertion):
It is now 3:30 AM. I just had a shower and am still as awake as ever. I know I should lie down in bed, but I really feel like going for a walk. Actually, I really feel like talking to somebody, but, unfortunately, it is 3:30 AM.
Thinking about my previous comments as I showered, I realized that I come across as something of a mewling, atavistic man-baby (“Boo hoo! My last relationship went poorly and now I don’t know if it is worth the effort! I just want to hang around with my friends and have fun!”) In my defense, however, I must note that the rules of the game (the “game” here being biological existence) are changed a bit when sex isn’t a primary motivating factor, as is the case for me. In this kind of framework, the costs and benefits of relationships are radically reconfigured, as sex is not, in and of itself, a sufficient condition for seeking companionship. I don’t want sex… I want to be intimate with a specific person and in a specific emotional context. Thing is, that takes time and energy and effort, and I just don’t know if I have the gumption right now.
Man, I would not bet on me in a Darwinian lottery.
