Moral by default?

So, I’ve been thinking about morality a bit lately and wondering about whether I’m actually a good person or not… Sure, I manifest a number of seemingly laudable traits; for instance, I tend to be trust-worthy, dependable and empathetic. However, my motives are often at least somewhat self-serving… I hate disappointing people, so I will do my best to live up to commitments (even if I’m grumbling the whole time)… I care about what people think (at least those people that I’ve admitted into the inner sanctum) and don’t want to be thought of badly, so I modulate my behaviour accordingly. Though there are elements of rationality and altruism present, my moral conduct often seems to be governed as much by a stimulus-response cycle (promotion of pleasure, avoidance of pain) as anything else. Now one could argue, as do certain evolutionary psychologists (like Steven Pinker), that this is the root of morality… that moral conduct arises when entities began to empathize with the projected mental/emotional states of others and chose their actions accordingly.  This may be true, but I still feel like I’m somehow doing it wrong.

One particular issue that I’ve been thinking about lately is sexuality. Compared to many, I probably seem pretty conservative (even prudish), but I wonder whether it was ever much of a rational choice. You see, I’m really neurotic about sex… I worry about my body; I worry about sexual “proficiency” (more specifically, about my lack thereof); I worry about pregnancy and STIs; I worry that expressing myself as a sexual being (for example, admitting that I’m attracted to someone) will make me seem like a bad person (as previously discussed). This has been an issue as long as I remember. Back when I was a teenager, I thought that having sexual urges was simply a bestial reminder of human brokenness and, resultantly, I viewed my body as a temple of filth (a lurid turn of phrase that I recall from some of my truly awful grade ten poetry).  Though I’ve (thankfully) grown a bit, I admit that these views still colour my present perspectives.

A while ago, Andrew and I were talking about making mistakes (in particular, getting involved in unadvisable romantic/sexual situations), when I commented that sometimes I wished I had made more of these mistakes when I was younger. His rebuttal: “So, you’re actually wishing that you could haven been less moral.” There is a certain logic to this position, but is it really “moral” to be driven by neurotic fear and self-doubt? If I had made my previous sexual/relationship decisions rationally (in an attempt to avoid causing emotional/mental distress), then I think he’d have a point, but as it stands, it feels more like my “moral choices” were just knee-jerk responses.

To return to the theme of the last few posts, I suppose that this fact adds one additional trait to my (already lengthy) list of desirable qualities for a future mate:

As such, I’m looking for someone funny, intellectually stimulating, creative, active, compatible with my friends and family, and that I am physically attracted to

Append: , and who can deal with the fact that I’m a spazz when it comes to sex.